I didn’t watch the Mtv Movie Awards last night.  Or last year.  Or the year before that.  Go ahead and throw in the Mtv Video Music Awards as well.  Sorry.

Honestly.  Has anyone else noticed that Mtv is one giant commercial?  It’s been this way for years.  There’s a word for what the MTV Movie Awards are.  That word is-infomercial.  And the only infomercials I like to watch have Billy Mays as your host.

Maybe I’m on to something.  Billy Mays hosts the MTV Awards from here on out…

“ZAC EFRON! YOU NEED A HAIRCUT? YOU NEED THE FLOWBEE!”

“MAGIC PUTTY WORKS SO WELL, IT EVEN SEALS HEIDI MONTAG’S MOUTH!”

“THAT TEA-BAG BRUNO JUST HIT EMINEM WITH IS A MESS.  CLEAN IT UP WITH KABOOM!”

Many of you have already won your way in to 98 PXY Summer Jam.  To you, I say, “Congrats.”

To those of you who continue to struggle with the whole, “listen to 98 PXY to win your way in” concept, I’m posting this helpful guide for you to reference in times of duress.

• A busy signal means you should hang up and call back.
• If no one answers right away we, a.) already have a winner, or b.)don’t want to listen to you ask questions about how to win 98 PXY Summer Jam invites.
• Following us on Twitter and friending us on Facebook are excellent ways to win invites out of our personal stashes.
• If you don’t know what Twitter or Facebook is, I don’t want to know you.  Your mom knows Twitter for God’s sake.
• Should you be fortunate enough to make it through as caller 8, at least attempt to sound excited.
• If excitement is too much to ask for, assume we’re going to get you off our phone line ASAP and call you names.
• Once you win tickets, think about what outfit you’re going to grace us with on June 4th.
• If your plan is to wear a Looney Tunes T-shirt, stay home.
• E-mailing us your stories most likely WILL NOT result in you getting invites.  Everyone has a sick relative, and everyone knows a kid who did something good.  Have a cookie.
• Bribing us with free anything increases your chances dramatically.
•  Guys, odds are you’ll have a harder time getting through.  More women listen to PXY.  It’s a fact.
• Also a fact, women have breasts.  Next case.

OK, seriously.  We’ve got so many different ways for you to win invites to PXY Summer Jam, really, all you have to do is keep listening.  It’s not that hard.  Thousands of people have figured it out already, you could be next!

“It’s MY Friday!”

No.  No, it’s not.  It’s Monday.  For everyone.  Your personal schedule doesn’t dictate to the calendar week.

Now, if you’re saying that as an excuse to get blasted on a night other than a Friday?  By all means, don’t let me stop you.

I got a well deserved beating this morning on Spezzano and Sandy.

Here’s the timeline, and why this was not a good Mother’s Day for your boy…

Midnight Sunday morning-Sandy drives us home from Carson’s wedding (congrats, guys!) after I apparently had one too many

12:30 am-We do our best as a couple to get Sandy into labor.  You know what it is…

6:30 am-I wake up with a screeching headache.  Proceed to down 2 ibuprofen tablets.  This would prove to be my undoing.

7:15 am-I leave to pick up my daughter and niece at Sandy’s sister’s house.  I then pull over to hurl in the Olympia restaurant parking lot.

7:30 am-I have the girls in tow.  Still with a headache that would kill an African Elephant.

7:40 am-Lie down.  Sandy is not happy.  No breakfast in bed.

8:40 am-The girls are demanding cereal we don’t have in stock and Sandy is craving crepes.  We need heavy cream.  I’m off to Wegman’s.

9:05 am-I have cereal heavy cream and a need to puke again.  I do so just as I pull into our neighborhood.

9:06 am-Sandy, disgusted with her choice in a husband sends me to bed to sleep it off.

Now, I did surprise her with flowers on Friday night.  I got her a nice card as well.  Additionally, I presented my mother-in-law with a thoughtful card, and did make Sandy her crepes later in the afternoon.  So, all in all, i think I rebounded pretty strong after a shaky start to Mother’s Day.  That being said, I won’t be asking for any “special treatment” this Father’s Day.  I know what’s good for me!

Everyone is in an absolute PANIC over the Swine Flu.  TRUE STORY: Sandy’s sister visited Cancun recently.  She returned with a gift shop T-shirt for my daughter.  Yesterday, she decided she wanted to wear it to school.  I get a call from the school about an hour after I dropped her off letting me know she threw up in class.  So there’s the visual.  A kid wearing a Cancun Mexico t-shirt, puking in a room full of kids!

She’s fine by the way, and no, she DOESN’T have Swine Flu.  That being said, I think I’ll keep her away from any petting zoos for a while.