It’s the 5th of May.  And today I wanted to write about a guy who has no problem letting you know how much he loves today.

Corona pants guy.

I actually took this pic last week at a Red Wings game.  I imagine the inner dialogue pre-game went something like:

Well, I have my thick, gold chain, my insulated track jacket, and some scuffed up New Balance sneakers I mowed the lawn in last weekend. My hair is all greased back and I smell like Old Spice. This is going to be a great day of impressing the ladies for me! Oh wait… which pants should I try on?

Hmmmm. I have my normal khakis, acid washed jeans, or some Champion mesh shorts.

No. Not today. That just won’t do. I need something that will really make a statement. I want to elevate the limits of being awesome to the heights of unattainable hopelessness. I need to start my own fashion trend.

I could wear my high school varsity jacket from 8 years ago. That would reel in some babes. I had five touchdowns in a game once. Coach took me out on the four yard-line or I would have had six. The varsity jacket thing might really take off.

I better not. I wouldn’t want to get a ketchup stain on it.
Maybe I could wear my F.B.I. (Female Booty Inspector) shirt. I am unbelievably hilarious at all functions in which I wear it. People point and laugh all day.

These are all great ideas, but I just can’t put my finger on the greatest idea of all. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I just can’t figure it out. Which pants could I wear that would show the world that I am a total badass?

Wait. I have it. I can wear my Corona pants to the game!  Yeah, the same pants that I wear to bed and watch porn in would be perfect for chick-getting.  If my buddies were here, this would definitely call for a group high-five. My baggy, Corona pants look great with my insulated track jacket. My oversized, thick, gold chain sets the whole ensemble off.

Consider my baggy Corona pants as a warning that I am a deadly chick-magnet. They can appreciate a man at the ball park who wears pants sporting the logo of my favorite Cerveza Mas Fina.

On the rare occasion that girls are not hounding me like I am a God, I have found my baggy Corona pants great for drinking as well. I can usually attract a few lovely ladies by showing off my “chugging” skills.

Occasionally, I have been known to dump entire Corona bottles straight down my chest while exhibiting my incredible chugging powers. While wearing my baggy Corona pants, the waterfall of alcohol only cools off my boys. These pants hide stains better than Michael Jackson’s linen lady. I guess the best way to put it, is that I am completely an unstoppable force while wearing my baggy Corona pants to the game. There isn’t much in the universe that I can’t accomplish when I have them on.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, Corona pants guy.