You’re on a deserted island.

You get to pick 5 songs that we play on 98 PXY to keep you entertained.

ONLY 5!

My 5:

1. Britney-Break The Ice
I really do believe “Blackout” is her best music to date. Don’t think I can get sick of this song.

2. Danity Kane-Damaged
I haven’t had this much fun spelling since Fergilicious and Gwen Stefani. This sh*t is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Can you fix my h-e-a-r-t, cuz’ it’s d-a-m-a-g-e-d.

3. David Guetta-Love is Gone
This song will replace caffeine nicely on this deserted island. And I’ll need a song to keep up my pace when I run.

4. Lil’ Wayne-Lollipop
Because. She wants to lick the rapper. He really says that. That just happened.

5. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake-4 Minutes
Only on the list to amuse myself. I will always hear them sing, “If you farted, it better be what you want!” That’s funny. To me, at least.

What makes your list?

Welcome to the Epicenter of Badass. Here’s some stuff I came across this week that, IMHO are completely badass. Feel free to comment below. Enjoy.

1. Here’s a pic I found online that made me soil myself. Lightning storm in a volcanic eruption. Looks like hell on earth.

2. McLovin warns you about the evils of DVD piracy. This is an important public service announcement. He may never work again.

3. This is probably photo-shopped. Steven Seagal doesn’t have this much range in real life.

4. Yes, this monkey in Japan is a waiter. DO NOT order the banana colada. I can’t stress this enough

5. The Foo Fighters are awesome. If you don’t believe me, check out their official tour rider. It is full of win, and totally badass.

Dear 1987 me,

You are such a turd. Really, I wanted to drop you a line to try and straighten you out. Right about now you think you are so badass, what with your Bon Jovi cassette, mullet, and hockey buddies.

First off, don’t get any idea about staying in East Grand Forks, Minnesota. The best thing to come out of that town is the “Turkey Grinder” with taco meat and extra white sauce from the Red Pepper East. If you keep eating those gut bombs, you’re bound to end up living in a town known best for its late night cuisine or something.

Now let’s look at the wardrobe shall we? What in the name of holy hell is going on in this closet? Acid washed denim? Jean jacket with rolled sleeves and popped collar? Ripped up hair band t-shirts? Winger button? Do you want ANY girl to talk to you? Ever?

Speaking of girls, here are a few pointers for you. Any girl that may be into you right now is clearly confused. Don’t get a big head. You have no game. Your hormones are so out of control that merely grinding on a girl will cause you to pop off. That’s just embarrassing and messy, and if you want to avoid pissing me off, you’ll at least wait until you’re old enough to drive.

And to that point, due to your mom driving you around everywhere you go, don’t even think about “going” with girls. That includes not asking Marla Carter to homecoming in Junior High. She’ll eventually end up with a guy 10 times better than you, and riding in the back seat of your thick accented mom’s Plymouth Horizon won’t be awkward at all will it?

Seriously, me. I would like to punch through your face and rip out your brain
And why for God’s sake are you begging mom and dad for a waterbed of all things? What, you think 12 year old honeys will flock to you with the knowledge that a night of sea-sickness awaits them? You know what’s cool about having a water bed? Nothing! Go ahead, get one. Good luck trying to get rid of it. Jesus, you’re a disappointment.

Maybe it’s time you put all of the stereo equipment in your room to good use. See all of those tapes and records you have? They’re worthless, and taking too much space in my storage. I suggest becoming close friends with someone in a computer lab. If you can figure out a way to turn all that music into code and share files with other people, you may just be able to buy your own country someday.

There really is so much more I would like to do, but I’m busy not working at a job you’re thinking could make for a great career. Good looking out, there. I wouldn’t want people to think I have a negative self-image. Now, put away the “Metal Edge” magazine, go outside, get some color, and stop being such a bitch.

Yourself,

Me

P.S. Wrestling is fake, and they all take steroids. Keep lifting weights, but lower your expectations. Douche.

It’s Monday.

And especially after a weekend where you probably had a lot of fun, and spent time with friends and family, you probably have no interest in going to school or work today.

It’s okay. You’re allowed to freak out. Everyone does it. It’s perfectly normal.

Kanye West has had a few meltdowns. I especially like his MTV Europe Awards freak out. “Aww, hell no!”

One of my favorite shows is “Mythbusters” on Discovery. These guys are pretty cool and collected. They have to be or someone could get blown to smithereens. But every now and then, they freak out.

Bill O’ Reilly is kind of a d*ck. I laugh when I see videos of him at his old gig on “Inside Edition”. I laugh harder when he loses it.

Dan Marino was always a hothead while he was on the football field, but did you know he’s still a hothead, even while he’s on TV?

How about when Faith Hill lost to Carrie Underwood. That’s a woman I would NEVER want to piss off.

And my personal favorite…Ari from Entourage. So funny. So vulgar. Such a great meltdown. Just brilliant.

So if you feel like you’re moments from a meltdown today, worry not. Chances are your meltdown won’t get captured by cameras and won’t compare to any of these classics.

I’m here to help.

I’ll start:

Santa seriously doubted his Speedo would affect his drag, but he had to try.

or…(that’s your cue to post a caption below)

Every Thursday, right here on this blog, I’ll give you a list of hotness from all over the web. This is based 100% completely on my own opinion of what is “badass”. No one has influenced this list. Now, I give you, EoB:

1. I’m pretty sure this is the reason the internet exists.

2. John Mayer rules. Watch the language on this one. You have to watch if only to see him rock not one, but two Bluetooths.

3. MUSE on guitar hero! It’s badass enough to virtually rock out on “Knights of Cydonia”, now additional tracks are available. That would be me jumping off the furniture.

4. Flobots. It’s Eminem+Cake.

5. “If you got a funny sign, you ain’t been homeless that long” - Chris Rock. If the panhandlers in Rochester were this creative I may spare them a buck or two.

If you hear someone say that at a concert, that person is an idiot. We’re getting into concert season. Here are some things to watch out for in order to fully enjoy the experience of watching live music:

Recording the show or incessantly taking photos with your cell phone. I honestly don’t know why people do this. The photo quality of the majority of cell phones is terrible.

Talking throughout the entire show. No one’s saying you have to stand there like a wax statue with your arms folded, intently concentrating on every lyric and chord. But I could do without the people who feel the need to constantly natter to their friends throughout the show, especially at smaller shows where the band can HEAR you not paying attention.

Being an unruly lout. Everyone knows all about the one dude who stands at the back of the venue and yells “WOOO! YES!!!” during the band’s between-song banter and at the start of every song, regardless of whether he can recognize it. What’s worse is when that dude brings along all of his rabblerousing buddies, and they get to the venue early to get their drink on. By the time the show starts they’re slurring their words and sloshing their drinks, bumping into people and stomping on toes. Get a hold of yourselves, people! Try to make it to the encore without blacking out, please.

Standing at a seated venue. Look, I go to a lot of shows. Almost all of them are general admission/standing. I look forward to sitting at the 10% of venues that have seats. So for the love of god, please don’t LEAP out of your seat the moment the band hits the stage and remain standing for the entire set. Stand for a couple of songs and then sit back down.
Waiting till the band plays their radio hit and then leaving . A lot of times the band comes to town early in their career and they already know that you only came to see them for one song. But humour them and feign some interest in the rest of their material - it’s all near and dear to them; it just happens that one of their songs is being pimped out by their label or us.

If you heard any of Spezzano and Sandy this morning, then you heard me take a verbal beat down at the hands of Sandy and pretty much every female listening.

I’M A GUY! Cut me a LITTLE slack. I always try to do the right thing. Sometimes things get misunderstood and all of a sudden I’m a bad husband because “I don’t listen”.

I will continue to hold ground when it comes to my opinions on this matter. They are:

1. Three Olives grape vodka and Sprite is a nasty flavor combination. I mean, grape…and Lymon??? Puke. Tonic is a far superior mixer and would’ve been enjoyed if given the chance.

2. If you’re sick and I bring medicine…TAKE IT! Yes, I heard you ask for a specific brand. Guess what? IT’S NOT WORKING! Try the stuff that might actually work for you before killing me for going out of my way to try and be a good guy.

Allow me to provide every now and then! I actually live for it!

Like most guys, I screw up. Like most guys, some things you say to me will go in one ear and out the other. You may need to nag. I may complain about said nagging. Can’t help it. You are a greater gender. I cannot compete.

There, I said it. I truly believe women, on the whole, are smarter than men.

I also believe dogs are smarter than women!

That’s just a joke…really, it is.

Love ya, girls!

It’s the 5th of May.  And today I wanted to write about a guy who has no problem letting you know how much he loves today.

Corona pants guy.

I actually took this pic last week at a Red Wings game.  I imagine the inner dialogue pre-game went something like:

Well, I have my thick, gold chain, my insulated track jacket, and some scuffed up New Balance sneakers I mowed the lawn in last weekend. My hair is all greased back and I smell like Old Spice. This is going to be a great day of impressing the ladies for me! Oh wait… which pants should I try on?

Hmmmm. I have my normal khakis, acid washed jeans, or some Champion mesh shorts.

No. Not today. That just won’t do. I need something that will really make a statement. I want to elevate the limits of being awesome to the heights of unattainable hopelessness. I need to start my own fashion trend.

I could wear my high school varsity jacket from 8 years ago. That would reel in some babes. I had five touchdowns in a game once. Coach took me out on the four yard-line or I would have had six. The varsity jacket thing might really take off.

I better not. I wouldn’t want to get a ketchup stain on it.
Maybe I could wear my F.B.I. (Female Booty Inspector) shirt. I am unbelievably hilarious at all functions in which I wear it. People point and laugh all day.

These are all great ideas, but I just can’t put my finger on the greatest idea of all. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I just can’t figure it out. Which pants could I wear that would show the world that I am a total badass?

Wait. I have it. I can wear my Corona pants to the game!  Yeah, the same pants that I wear to bed and watch porn in would be perfect for chick-getting.  If my buddies were here, this would definitely call for a group high-five. My baggy, Corona pants look great with my insulated track jacket. My oversized, thick, gold chain sets the whole ensemble off.

Consider my baggy Corona pants as a warning that I am a deadly chick-magnet. They can appreciate a man at the ball park who wears pants sporting the logo of my favorite Cerveza Mas Fina.

On the rare occasion that girls are not hounding me like I am a God, I have found my baggy Corona pants great for drinking as well. I can usually attract a few lovely ladies by showing off my “chugging” skills.

Occasionally, I have been known to dump entire Corona bottles straight down my chest while exhibiting my incredible chugging powers. While wearing my baggy Corona pants, the waterfall of alcohol only cools off my boys. These pants hide stains better than Michael Jackson’s linen lady. I guess the best way to put it, is that I am completely an unstoppable force while wearing my baggy Corona pants to the game. There isn’t much in the universe that I can’t accomplish when I have them on.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, Corona pants guy.

2 things are inevitable, right? Death and taxes.  But how long will you live?  Are you anticipating a long, full life?  Or, are you running so hard and burning the candle at both ends so often that you’re motto is, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”?

Now there’s a website that will tell you!

Check out tombclock.com.  Answer the quick questions.  See how much longer you have to enjoy life.

BTW, I’ll live to 85.  How about you?  Post below.