After perusing through yesterday’s comments, and seeing the willingness to post random facts about Mr. T., I thought it would be fun to do a list in today’s comments.

Topic:  Things You’ll Never Hear

I’ll start.

“Hey man, after the game, maybe we can head over to Movies 10 for the midnight showing of Sex in the City.”

Go.

If you’re looking for an early Christmas gift for me, think Gatling gun that fires Snickers…

Just another video of a pelican eating a pigeon.  That’s all.

It’s hard enough making it through a Monday. It really is.  And then one of your classmates from high school has to go ahead and do this to you:

Yep. That’s me. 10th grade.

Where do I start?

So, Spezzano and Sandy announced it this morning. It’s back where it belongs. 98 PXY Summer Jam is on 8/28 at a secret location. Starting Monday, listen every morning to find out WHO will be coming to perform for YOU.

And believe me when I say this…This is YOUR party. YOU as a listener of 98 PXY, make us what we are. And for that we say, “Thanks”. That’s why 98 PXY Summer Jam is absolutely FREE! The last thing we want you to do is fork over any of your hard earned cash for a ticket to a concert. We’re all having a hard enough time making ends meet. All you have to do is LISTEN to WIN.

It’s a party that has been many months in the making. You won’t be disappointed. 98 PXY Summer Jam is back on PXY! I can’t wait to see you there!

Fantasy football! I can’t wait! Fantastic. I eat it. I sleep it. I love it.

You know, what’s crazy is that I’ll only spend about 20-30 hours a week on my fantasy league team. Wait until I’m doing it full-time. I’d like to hear people then. I bet people won’t be yelling “Nice Life!” or “You’re a douche bag.” You know what I’d say to them? Scoreboard.

Word around the NFL horn is that I am in the running to replace Dick Jauron when he is fired in Buffalo. That’s right. Take a look at me now, Mrs. “You Smell Like Failure.” You know what, you do! Pretty soon I’ll be smelling like something else. Winner! You see all that Officially Licensed NFL merchandise? I’ll have a whole closet full. And the closet will be on my yacht. Booyah!

See, the difference between me and the average fantasy league coach is that those guys see Jeremy Shockey going into a bye week and worry that their only tight end is not playing. Not me. I stayed in this weekend, got myself a meatball sub and went to work, and you know what I came up with? Robert Royal, baby! Read that again. Robert Royal. Not impressed are we? So you’ve heard of Robert Royal, eh? Did you call him at home? Well, I did. I asked him how he felt. How things were going at home. What his favorite food was, everything. Let me tell you, he sounded pretty angry and threatened to kick my ass. Some people would be scared of that. But you know what, I didn’t see fear…I saw fire! Robert’s ready for Sunday and so am I.

Make fun of me all you want, jerks. You’ll be doing it from 2nd place.

Beer Pong gives you herpes.

Unprotected beer pong play is the cause of a significant increase in the transmission of herpes simplex virus-1 (HSV-1), which causes cold sores. According to the Center for Disease Control, reports of the virus are up 230-percent from 2007 in people ages 17 to 21, and it’s all from sharing cups. Because of the dramatic increase in the illness, universities and parents are beginning to take notice.

From Bannedinhollywood.com:

“This epidemic is something we should pay close attention to. We’re aware that we cannot outright prevent [beer pong], so we have provided new red cups available to all students in the dorms,” said President of Arizona State University, Michael M. Crow.

And you can always play a different game. According to CDC spokesman, Dr. Cole Desorio, “Flip cup is great because each individual has their own cup. If it’s absolutely necessary to play beer pong, use the waterfall method. Many young adults, when asked if they practice safe pong, responded that they rinse the ball after it bounces off the table.”

First of all, it’s awesome that a doctor at the CDC knows what “waterfall” means. Second, how f**king dumb do you have to be to think that washing off the ball is going to make a herpes-lick of difference when it comes to spreading diseases from one person to the next. C’mon people, you’re smarter than that! You know, or not…

Until you watch Philippine inmates dancing to “Low” by Flo-Rida.

Ok, really now. It’s getting out of control. You look ridiculous and you’re not fooling anyone. No one believes you are so important that you need to keep your bluetooth headset on at all times.

If you’re driving and you need to be hands free, by all means, wear it. I’ll never be angry at someone who wears the bluetooth while in transit. But what I saw today just completely set me off.

First, someone who works here stood at the base of the staircase having what looked to be a conversation with himself. No, actually he had his bluetooth on and had to show everyone whom he came in contact with that he was indeed talking! On his cellular phone! Pretty cool, right guys!

The capper was at lunch. I really couldn’t believe my eyes. Of all the d-bags who could wear a bluetooth, this one hit me the hardest. Who was wearing the bluetooth at this dining establishment, you ask? The host/hostess? No. The bartender? Afraid not. THE FREAKING BUS BOY WAS WEARING HIS BLUETOOTH. WHILE BUSING TABLES!

Dude. You’re busing tables at a semi-fast food restaurant. Lose the bluetooth. It doesn’t provide you with status. It makes me want to jam this burrito down your throat so hard you instantaneously poop pinto beans. God, I don’t like people who wear bluetooth headsets.

I know as a woman you must get bombarded with corny pickup lines any and every time you go out.  That must suck. Always being sought after.  Guys begging to sleep with you.  Yeah.  Boo-hoo.

BUT, if a guy ever rolled up on you with this (best pickup line EVAH), you COULDN’T possibly resist could you?

“Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I’m kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you’re giving me your number because I’m too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other’s friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you’re stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I’m careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That’s just too sad. Think about the children. For God’s sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let’s just keep it sexual, because we both know where it’s going.”

At least give him a gold star for effort, right?