If Spezzano and Sandy’s Moose ever decided to off himself, it won’t happen by squeezing a trigger, swallowing pills, or jumping off The Freddy-Sue bridge.

No, I believe this is what could lead to Moose’s demise:

In case you can’t see the highlight, that would be 3500 milligrams of cholesterol.  Pork Brains could just be the death of Moose.

Because we found a pig wearing lipstick!

I’m trying not to make the same mistakes with my Facebook profile that I did with my Myspace page.  You know what I am talking about.  Accepting EVERY friend request that comes your way (I’m looking at YOU Tila Tequila).  Or, building up your friend list by requesting celebs that you KNOW don’t really look at their page (see also-one of the fifty or so “Britney Spears” pages i have requested)

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So my Facebook friend list consists of friends from high school, people in radio, and you who may actually listen to PXY.  But I had to break my rule this weekend.

Sidenote:  The Facebook mobile phone application will end your life.  Do I really need access to my friend list, or be able to write on someone’s “wall” at any and all hours of the day?

Answer:  Yes.

So I get a notification on my phone whenever someone has requested me to become “friends” with them.  And which celebrity wanted to be friends with me as of Saturday?

That’s right.  Jeff freakin’ Timmons of 98 Degrees.

Wow.  I’m actually honored.  I have a celebrity Facebook friend.  Not one of the Lachey brothers, mind you.  The mediocre one.  Not the dork…

but also, not the hunk who used to nail Jessica Simpson.

I think it kind of suits me.  I hope more obscure Z-list celebs hit me up soon!

Saturday morning we went to the Walk Now for Autism walk at MCC.

Great event, good cause, amazing people.  Oh, and J-Mac!

However, I am lucky to still have my head fully in tact as Sandy tried to completely bite it off prior to this event.   Here’s the story:

I have a lot of respect for Sandy.  I try to hold her (and anyone I am close with) to a higher standard.  There are times, when faced with a question that should be second nature (i.e. “How old are you?”) where Sandy freezes up.  She doesn’t think about how old she is, therefore she really needs to think about the correct answer.  Because I hold her to a high standard, I get frustrated when this happens.  I may say, “C’mon.  You’re better than that!” or, “Really?!  You need to think about that?”   I can understand where she may think I am being condesending.  I truly don’t mean to sound that way.  If anything, it’s my way of trying to be funny.

So, back to Saturday morning.  Sandy’s writing a check for this walk, and asks, “How do you spell forty?”

Honestly, I was just joking when I said, “I am so glad Leah isn’t going to a Greece school.”  (Sandy is a grad from an un-named high school in Greece.  The same school that graduated our very own Moose.)  Funny, right?

Well, she didn’t think so, and proceeded to hit me with a barrage of obscenities (in front of our 4 year old) about how I am condescending and elitist.

Whoa.  Not many people know this about me, but I didn’t go to college.  I was always an under-achiever in high school.  I will never claim to be better or smarter than anyone.  It’s not my style.  If anything, it should go the other way around.  Sandy was exceptional in school and graduated from SUNY Brockport.

I try to be a quick learner, but I did it to my daughter yesterday without realizing it.  Sandy and I were teaching her how to add, and when she said something completely off base, I actually said, “You’re better than that.”

I think I have a problem.

..that my Fantasy Football team is an unstoppable force.  I told myself I wouldn’t get caught up in this pastime as much as I have in the past.  I can’t help it.  I’m just that good.  As long as people feel it is necessary to talk about how well the Bills are doing, I will continue to boast about my Fantasy prowess!

Earlier this week, I wrote about how my daughter is in a constant state of discomfort when she gets dressed in the morning.  Today, I decided to get nostalgic and look at some of the stupid crap I used to wear as a kid.  These are the garments that would guarantee a miserable day was ahead of me as I got on the school bus:

I know what you’re thinking.  Body Glove?  Don’t they just make wetsuits for divers and surfers?  Apparently not, Cletus.  Everyone in my school had at least one item of clothing manufactured by Body Glove.  Especially popular in warmer months, a lot of the Body Glove wardrobe consisted of tank tops.  Perfect for the young boy who doesn’t realize he’s going through puberty and hasn’t discovered Speed Stick yet.

Just how popular were Zubaz?  Zubaz were popular enough for me to commit a crime.  The only crime I ever commited as a youth without gettng caught, actually.  I once shoplifted a pair of Zubaz.

Not like this was the heist of the century, here.  You could basically crumple an entire pair of Zubaz into a small ball fitting snugly in a retailers shopping bag.  The fact that I stole Zubaz shorts make this crime easier, and for that matter, more embarrasing.

I still to this day experience a Zubaz sighting, most recently at a Red Wings game with Mr. Corona Pants.

Cross Colours became very popular as the “Stop the Violence, Increase the Peace” movement was going on.  The only problem I have with that, is it was centered in South Central L.A.  I grew up in Minnesota!  It’s not like gang violence was widespread and something I needed to try and stop in my community.  I mean. looking back, who did I think I was, Tupac?

Finally, we have B.U.M. Equipment.  My favorite article of clothing was a B.U.M. sweatshirt that I wore until it was literally, a rag.  Come to think of it, a female acquaintance of mine actuallty shoplifted, and pawned it off on me.  Why did I feel style had to come at the price of crime?  Or, was I convinced that these clothes were so hideous I couldn’t imagine dropping a nickel on them.  The worst part about B.U.M was whenever you wore it, some jackass always had to joke, “What are you, a bum?” Then he would laugh as if he had just told the funniest joke ever.

What did I learn from my youth?  A lot.  I learned that life isn’t fair.  Life is pain.  Alcohol solves problems.  But most of all I learned that it’s easy to embarrass yourself even if you think you’re being cool.  I’m going to make a pact with my daughter.  She can wear whatever she wants.  And, who knows, maybe Zubaz will be cool again someday.  I know of a pair that would look good on her.  I’m sure they are exactly where I left them!

Two “celebs” have publicly come out of the closet this week.

Lindsay Lohan told an L.A. DJ that her relationship with Samantha Ronson has been going on for ‘a very long time’.

Also this week, American Idol season two runner up Clay Aiken has admitted that he is, indeed gay.

Uh, guys this isn’t news.  Let alone a front page story.  These are two of the worst kept “secrets” in celebrity news.  The real story is why it took them so long to come clean.

And with regards to these celeb “outings”, let me be the first to say, who gives a crap.

I saw this on CNN last night.  So good.  Campbell Brown kicks ass!

What do you think?  Is Sarah Palin the victim of sexism at the hands of her own campaign?

Whenever I eat asparagus, my pee smells like asparagus afterward.  Just wanted to share that with you.

Anyone know why?

I’ve been forced to watch Dancing With The Stars on several occasions.  It happens to be one of my daughters favorite shows.  She’ll watch routines over and over, memorize them and dance the routines while watching it off of the DVR.

I understand the appeal of this show.  I know why we, as Americans tune in by the millions.  I don’t care.  This show is pure evil.  It is guilty of extending the life of D-list celebs whose 15 minutes were over long ago.  It’s guilty of faking drama to try and boost ratings (I’m looking at you, Marie Osmond).  But what pisses me off the most is, it encourages us to do the exact opposite of what we should be doing right now.

ABC’s fall lineup campaign is “National Stay At Home Week”.  Yeah, that’s just what we should do.  Sit on our asses and watch Kim Kardashian dance…poorly.  As if we didn’t have enough of an obesity crisis in America.  Ugh.

Why do they always insist on having atheletes participate?  That seems like an unfair advantage.  They are in AMAZING shape going into the contest and can handle the rigors of dance lessons?  If it isn’t athletes, it’s washed up performers who, at some point, had to learn choreographed routines to shoot a video or go on tour.  THEY ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DANCE!

I want to watch a train wreck on this show.  How about “Dancing With Internet Stars”, or “Dancing With The Biggest Loser”, you know take cast offs from “The Biggest Loser” and teach them to dance.

THAT is entertainment!