Fantasy football! I can’t wait! Fantastic. I eat it. I sleep it. I love it.

You know, what’s crazy is that I’ll only spend about 20-30 hours a week on my fantasy league team. Wait until I’m doing it full-time. I’d like to hear people then. I bet people won’t be yelling “Nice Life!” or “You’re a douche bag.” You know what I’d say to them? Scoreboard.

Word around the NFL horn is that I am in the running to replace Dick Jauron when he is fired in Buffalo. That’s right. Take a look at me now, Mrs. “You Smell Like Failure.” You know what, you do! Pretty soon I’ll be smelling like something else. Winner! You see all that Officially Licensed NFL merchandise? I’ll have a whole closet full. And the closet will be on my yacht. Booyah!

See, the difference between me and the average fantasy league coach is that those guys see Jeremy Shockey going into a bye week and worry that their only tight end is not playing. Not me. I stayed in this weekend, got myself a meatball sub and went to work, and you know what I came up with? Robert Royal, baby! Read that again. Robert Royal. Not impressed are we? So you’ve heard of Robert Royal, eh? Did you call him at home? Well, I did. I asked him how he felt. How things were going at home. What his favorite food was, everything. Let me tell you, he sounded pretty angry and threatened to kick my ass. Some people would be scared of that. But you know what, I didn’t see fear…I saw fire! Robert’s ready for Sunday and so am I.

Make fun of me all you want, jerks. You’ll be doing it from 2nd place.

Beer Pong gives you herpes.

Unprotected beer pong play is the cause of a significant increase in the transmission of herpes simplex virus-1 (HSV-1), which causes cold sores. According to the Center for Disease Control, reports of the virus are up 230-percent from 2007 in people ages 17 to 21, and it’s all from sharing cups. Because of the dramatic increase in the illness, universities and parents are beginning to take notice.

From Bannedinhollywood.com:

“This epidemic is something we should pay close attention to. We’re aware that we cannot outright prevent [beer pong], so we have provided new red cups available to all students in the dorms,” said President of Arizona State University, Michael M. Crow.

And you can always play a different game. According to CDC spokesman, Dr. Cole Desorio, “Flip cup is great because each individual has their own cup. If it’s absolutely necessary to play beer pong, use the waterfall method. Many young adults, when asked if they practice safe pong, responded that they rinse the ball after it bounces off the table.”

First of all, it’s awesome that a doctor at the CDC knows what “waterfall” means. Second, how f**king dumb do you have to be to think that washing off the ball is going to make a herpes-lick of difference when it comes to spreading diseases from one person to the next. C’mon people, you’re smarter than that! You know, or not…

A picture of Clownshoes.  You’re welcome.

Sources Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013.

Unless we, as Americans, turn to alternative sources of entertainment, the ‘Hannah Montana’ star will soon be completely tapped out.

Please take a moment to view this important news piece.

For months now, from time to time, we as a family, will huddle around a colorful animated board game you all know and love.

So, Candy Land has changed a ton through the years. Ok, no, it hasn’t. If you know basic colors, you can play. My daughter loves it, so we play often. Here’s my issue. I ALWAYS LOSE!

How can one man be so un-lucky? There is absolutely ZERO skill involved in playing this game, yet I always lose…by a lot.

That is, until last night.

I came into last nights match up with a career record of 1-47. But last night…Well, last night was magical.

Game 1:

My first card pulled was a single Orange. That gives me an early advantage as the first Orange in the game is “Rainbow Trail”. I never looked back. Each card raced me to the finish. Double purple, double red. Leah got “Lolly” to get a little sniff, but in the end I won by a large margin.

Game 2:

Maybe the quickest game of Candy Land on record. The first card I selected was “Princess Frostine, ” the best character card you can pick. I reached the Candy Castle a few swift moves later before either Leah or Sandy could even make it to “Gloppy”.

So, there you have it. Allow me to gloat today. Today I am not unlike the Spanish squad that just won Euro 2008 (Viva Espana!) by going undefeated.

Today, I am the supreme champion of Candy Land!