Stupid things I used to wear
Friday, September 26th, 2008Earlier this week, I wrote about how my daughter is in a constant state of discomfort when she gets dressed in the morning. Today, I decided to get nostalgic and look at some of the stupid crap I used to wear as a kid. These are the garments that would guarantee a miserable day was ahead of me as I got on the school bus:
I know what you’re thinking. Body Glove? Don’t they just make wetsuits for divers and surfers? Apparently not, Cletus. Everyone in my school had at least one item of clothing manufactured by Body Glove. Especially popular in warmer months, a lot of the Body Glove wardrobe consisted of tank tops. Perfect for the young boy who doesn’t realize he’s going through puberty and hasn’t discovered Speed Stick yet.
Just how popular were Zubaz? Zubaz were popular enough for me to commit a crime. The only crime I ever commited as a youth without gettng caught, actually. I once shoplifted a pair of Zubaz.
Not like this was the heist of the century, here. You could basically crumple an entire pair of Zubaz into a small ball fitting snugly in a retailers shopping bag. The fact that I stole Zubaz shorts make this crime easier, and for that matter, more embarrasing.
I still to this day experience a Zubaz sighting, most recently at a Red Wings game with Mr. Corona Pants.
Cross Colours became very popular as the “Stop the Violence, Increase the Peace” movement was going on. The only problem I have with that, is it was centered in South Central L.A. I grew up in Minnesota! It’s not like gang violence was widespread and something I needed to try and stop in my community. I mean. looking back, who did I think I was, Tupac?
Finally, we have B.U.M. Equipment. My favorite article of clothing was a B.U.M. sweatshirt that I wore until it was literally, a rag. Come to think of it, a female acquaintance of mine actuallty shoplifted, and pawned it off on me. Why did I feel style had to come at the price of crime? Or, was I convinced that these clothes were so hideous I couldn’t imagine dropping a nickel on them. The worst part about B.U.M was whenever you wore it, some jackass always had to joke, “What are you, a bum?” Then he would laugh as if he had just told the funniest joke ever.
What did I learn from my youth? A lot. I learned that life isn’t fair. Life is pain. Alcohol solves problems. But most of all I learned that it’s easy to embarrass yourself even if you think you’re being cool. I’m going to make a pact with my daughter. She can wear whatever she wants. And, who knows, maybe Zubaz will be cool again someday. I know of a pair that would look good on her. I’m sure they are exactly where I left them!
