So, my renewed investment in health started last night. Let me start by saying that I LOVE The Downtown Fitness Club , John H. and his entire staff. Really. No one can tell me there is another place in town that can motivate you to get into better shape than the DFC. That said, I think this is a universal issue that crosses genders and isn’t health club specific.

When I’m working out, I mind my own business. Everything is cool. Lift a couple weights, run a couple miles. I’m back into my routine. All I have left to do is shower, change my clothes, grab my stuff from my locker, and head home for the night. Me time is within an arm’s reach and I’m feeling fantastic.

Throw my iPod in the bag, lean down to tie my shoes and I hear it. It sounds innocent enough, but the reality is much more sinister and disturbing.

“Some weather we’ve been having?” he comments out of the clear blue.

Here we go. It’s time to have the most boring conversation known to man. I should just ignore him. Can’t we talk about something else? Weather? Again? Really? There aren’t even any windows in this locker-room. What is it with old people and their endless conversations about weather? This repetitious discussion choice worries me. Is this where we head in life? Does life get so monotonous and dull, that your immediate surroundings are all that’s left to speak about? We live in Rochester, New York. What are you expecting?

Look, I understand that you’re lonely and all. I’ll talk to you and stuff, but we need to discuss something a little more… (I turn my head to look at him)

No way.

Why are you just standing there naked? I fully recognize that this is a locker room, and nudity comes with the territory, but you are not even making the slightest effort to grab a towel. Worse yet, you have your leg propped up on the bench, with your arms crossed. Are you THE Captain Morgan? This is horrible. My brain instantly severs the function of sight from my eyeballs. What happens in a man’s life between the ages of 26 and 87? What makes you feel it is perfectly appropriate to stand around locker-rooms naked in tough guy poses bitching about the weather? I have a very precise list of things that I have concluded are never acceptable for a man to see. Old man junk is on that list. Put those beanbags away before I kick them into your throat.

Listen… as long as your boys are hanging out, I am not going to discuss anything with you. I now fully understand the full spectrum of gun-control laws and why I shouldn’t be carrying one now. It’s time to get the hell out of here. Moving forward, I’ll be the guy sporting sunglasses in the locker-room as to avoid further retinal damage.

Dear 1987 me,

You are such a turd. Really, I wanted to drop you a line to try and straighten you out. Right about now you think you are so badass, what with your Bon Jovi cassette, mullet, and hockey buddies.

First off, don’t get any idea about staying in East Grand Forks, Minnesota. The best thing to come out of that town is the “Turkey Grinder” with taco meat and extra white sauce from the Red Pepper East. If you keep eating those gut bombs, you’re bound to end up living in a town known best for its late night cuisine or something.

Now let’s look at the wardrobe shall we? What in the name of holy hell is going on in this closet? Acid washed denim? Jean jacket with rolled sleeves and popped collar? Ripped up hair band t-shirts? Winger button? Do you want ANY girl to talk to you? Ever?

Speaking of girls, here are a few pointers for you. Any girl that may be into you right now is clearly confused. Don’t get a big head. You have no game. Your hormones are so out of control that merely grinding on a girl will cause you to pop off. That’s just embarrassing and messy, and if you want to avoid pissing me off, you’ll at least wait until you’re old enough to drive.

And to that point, due to your mom driving you around everywhere you go, don’t even think about “going” with girls. That includes not asking Marla Carter to homecoming in Junior High. She’ll eventually end up with a guy 10 times better than you, and riding in the back seat of your thick accented mom’s Plymouth Horizon won’t be awkward at all will it?

Seriously, me. I would like to punch through your face and rip out your brain
And why for God’s sake are you begging mom and dad for a waterbed of all things? What, you think 12 year old honeys will flock to you with the knowledge that a night of sea-sickness awaits them? You know what’s cool about having a water bed? Nothing! Go ahead, get one. Good luck trying to get rid of it. Jesus, you’re a disappointment.

Maybe it’s time you put all of the stereo equipment in your room to good use. See all of those tapes and records you have? They’re worthless, and taking too much space in my storage. I suggest becoming close friends with someone in a computer lab. If you can figure out a way to turn all that music into code and share files with other people, you may just be able to buy your own country someday.

There really is so much more I would like to do, but I’m busy not working at a job you’re thinking could make for a great career. Good looking out, there. I wouldn’t want people to think I have a negative self-image. Now, put away the “Metal Edge” magazine, go outside, get some color, and stop being such a bitch.

Yourself,

Me

P.S. Wrestling is fake, and they all take steroids. Keep lifting weights, but lower your expectations. Douche.

It’s Monday.

And especially after a weekend where you probably had a lot of fun, and spent time with friends and family, you probably have no interest in going to school or work today.

It’s okay. You’re allowed to freak out. Everyone does it. It’s perfectly normal.

Kanye West has had a few meltdowns. I especially like his MTV Europe Awards freak out. “Aww, hell no!”

One of my favorite shows is “Mythbusters” on Discovery. These guys are pretty cool and collected. They have to be or someone could get blown to smithereens. But every now and then, they freak out.

Bill O’ Reilly is kind of a d*ck. I laugh when I see videos of him at his old gig on “Inside Edition”. I laugh harder when he loses it.

Dan Marino was always a hothead while he was on the football field, but did you know he’s still a hothead, even while he’s on TV?

How about when Faith Hill lost to Carrie Underwood. That’s a woman I would NEVER want to piss off.

And my personal favorite…Ari from Entourage. So funny. So vulgar. Such a great meltdown. Just brilliant.

So if you feel like you’re moments from a meltdown today, worry not. Chances are your meltdown won’t get captured by cameras and won’t compare to any of these classics.

I’m here to help.

If you hear someone say that at a concert, that person is an idiot. We’re getting into concert season. Here are some things to watch out for in order to fully enjoy the experience of watching live music:

Recording the show or incessantly taking photos with your cell phone. I honestly don’t know why people do this. The photo quality of the majority of cell phones is terrible.

Talking throughout the entire show. No one’s saying you have to stand there like a wax statue with your arms folded, intently concentrating on every lyric and chord. But I could do without the people who feel the need to constantly natter to their friends throughout the show, especially at smaller shows where the band can HEAR you not paying attention.

Being an unruly lout. Everyone knows all about the one dude who stands at the back of the venue and yells “WOOO! YES!!!” during the band’s between-song banter and at the start of every song, regardless of whether he can recognize it. What’s worse is when that dude brings along all of his rabblerousing buddies, and they get to the venue early to get their drink on. By the time the show starts they’re slurring their words and sloshing their drinks, bumping into people and stomping on toes. Get a hold of yourselves, people! Try to make it to the encore without blacking out, please.

Standing at a seated venue. Look, I go to a lot of shows. Almost all of them are general admission/standing. I look forward to sitting at the 10% of venues that have seats. So for the love of god, please don’t LEAP out of your seat the moment the band hits the stage and remain standing for the entire set. Stand for a couple of songs and then sit back down.
Waiting till the band plays their radio hit and then leaving . A lot of times the band comes to town early in their career and they already know that you only came to see them for one song. But humour them and feign some interest in the rest of their material - it’s all near and dear to them; it just happens that one of their songs is being pimped out by their label or us.

If you heard any of Spezzano and Sandy this morning, then you heard me take a verbal beat down at the hands of Sandy and pretty much every female listening.

I’M A GUY! Cut me a LITTLE slack. I always try to do the right thing. Sometimes things get misunderstood and all of a sudden I’m a bad husband because “I don’t listen”.

I will continue to hold ground when it comes to my opinions on this matter. They are:

1. Three Olives grape vodka and Sprite is a nasty flavor combination. I mean, grape…and Lymon??? Puke. Tonic is a far superior mixer and would’ve been enjoyed if given the chance.

2. If you’re sick and I bring medicine…TAKE IT! Yes, I heard you ask for a specific brand. Guess what? IT’S NOT WORKING! Try the stuff that might actually work for you before killing me for going out of my way to try and be a good guy.

Allow me to provide every now and then! I actually live for it!

Like most guys, I screw up. Like most guys, some things you say to me will go in one ear and out the other. You may need to nag. I may complain about said nagging. Can’t help it. You are a greater gender. I cannot compete.

There, I said it. I truly believe women, on the whole, are smarter than men.

I also believe dogs are smarter than women!

That’s just a joke…really, it is.

Love ya, girls!

It’s been well documented that we went out on Friday night and absolutely destroyed ourselves. It’s fun to get together with old friends and just kind of act like idiots in general.

And speaking of old friends, an ex-PXY intern was one of those old friends either fortunate or unfortunate to run into us on Friday night.  What makes this ex-intern the subject of this blog is the information I obtained about her prior to her coming out Friday night.

At some point during her employment at 98 PXY, this girl had sex in the office.  Multiple times.  Multiple partners.  Normally, I would try not to judge.  But one of those times happened to be on my desk.

I’ll write it again.

She had sex on my desk.

In my haze Friday night, I am surprised I didn’t say anything to her about this newly obtained information about her past employment, but I did have an idea of how I wanted the conversation to turn out:

Her:  blah, blah, blah

Me: (nodding, pretending I care.)

Her:  blah, blah, blabity blah, blah…How’s things at PXY?

Me: (Eyes get big) Let me tell you, things are great.  They are!  I even have a new desk and office that doesn’t smell like chlamydia!

Her: (kicks me in the boys not realizing I am so drunk I feel no pain, storms out of bar crying).

Would’ve been great.  Didn’t happen though.  Was I right to take the high road and act cordial? Should I sneak into where she works and get freaky with Sandy on her desk? How would you have dealt with a spot like that?

I’m pumped.  Paramore just left our studios.  They are awesome.  They’re on before Jimmy Eat World tonight at R.I.T.  Jimmy Eat World is easily my favorite band of the last 10 years.  Tonight’s festivities will include:

Beer

A great concert

Beer

Friends from out of town

Beer

Garbage Plate

Ass-breath

There may be some injuries tonight.  Some of us may not make it out alive.  That’s the risk we’re willing to take for a good time.  Wish me luck.

MD

You lie.

Don’t feel bad, I do it too.  We are liars.  Think about the stuff your mom used to or still does tell you:

“Watching TV too close will hurt your eyes and make you go blind!”

“Don’t swallow that gum - it will stay in your stomach for seven years!”

“If you keep making that face, it might freeze and stay that way forever!”

LIES!!!

Fear tactics to make us conform!  There is no proof that anything like any of the things your mom used to tell you would actually happen!

What are your favorite “mom-isms” from your childhood?  Use any on your kids now?  Sound off, ya’ big liar-head!

Wow. What a weekend.

If you didn’t hear, Friday was kind of rough for me.  My phone broke and I was without it for a good part of the day.  Isn’t it scary to think how attached we are to technology?  I was ruined because the life that I had perfectly organized through my phone was potentially gone.  I’m happy to announce, I have a new phone.  I didn’t lose any of my appointments or contacts so all is right with the world.

Saturday morning I ran in the Rochester “Run for Health” 5K with my friends from DFC at Genesee Valley Park.  It was a great morning for a run.  I ran my fastest mile and best time ever!  After that, I came straight to PXY for my Saturday afternoon show.  Just be glad you were on the other side of those speakers.  I was more than a little funky after that run.  If only I had some AXE…Is it just me or is the AXE commercial a little disturbing and gross?

We went to the beach and walked around later on Saturday.  I know I’ve touched on this before, but I am still floored whenever I see a parent smoking around their kids.  It happened again!  I saw a mother light up with her kid’s right next to her!  STOP IT!

Yesterday, I probably couldn’t have been more domestic if I tried.  First stop, Lowes.  I went to town.  Fertilizer, seed, soil, and garage floor coating.  What I’m getting at here is, you’ll be able to see my lawn from space, and you’ll be able to eat filet mignon off my garage floor this summer.  Then, Sandy and I went to the canal.  I ran and she biked.  We did nine miles.  My feet look like they’ve been dragged over a cheese grater.  Pretty sure I have a blister the size of Argentina on my left foot.

So, if I had to pick a mood for today I would say it is refreshed.  I’m back at it.  Hope your weekend was as much fun as mine was.  Oh, btw, Kasper is back on tonight after recovering for the past 2 weeks.  I’m sure there will be plenty to discuss.

Mind your kids.  That’s all.  It wouldn’t hurt if you put your kids before you sometimes.  If you need to blow off some steam and “get your drank on”, don’t bring your kids.  If you’re going to a party with the intention of getting smashed, leave your kids at home.  

It pisses me off how some people will bring the kids along to a party almost as an accessory.  

I’m not saying that just because you’re a parent you can’t throw down anymore.  Prepare.  Know that there are consequences to your actions and that your kids LOOK UP TO YOU.  If they see you getting bombed frequently, they’ll have no problem doing the same when they get older.

Man, I just realized I sound like Sandy.  Am I being too conservative here?