I know as a woman you must get bombarded with corny pickup lines any and every time you go out.  That must suck. Always being sought after.  Guys begging to sleep with you.  Yeah.  Boo-hoo.

BUT, if a guy ever rolled up on you with this (best pickup line EVAH), you COULDN’T possibly resist could you?

“Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I’m kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you’re giving me your number because I’m too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other’s friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you’re stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I’m careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That’s just too sad. Think about the children. For God’s sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let’s just keep it sexual, because we both know where it’s going.”

At least give him a gold star for effort, right?

We have a TV in our studio.  Usually, when I enter at 3:00, it’s tuned to one soap opera or another.  I don’t really pay attention, but when there’s a sex scene it’s kinda hard not to catch a peek.

Here’s the thing.  These scenes (and it goes for movies too), are all too perfect.  Not realistic AT ALL.  That’s why this made me laugh.

May not be suitable for minors…

No, I’m not talking about my sex life.

Yesterday I was toying with the idea of growing out my scruff considering there are new traces of grey.  You know, if it works for Clooney, why not me, right?  So how did I go from this yesterday…

To THIS today…

Pretty simple, actually.  Here’s how the convo went down:

Gutless (ME):  *to Sandy* “So, I’m thinking about growing out my scruff, you know, Clooney.

Sandy:  I don’t like scruff.

Gutless:  Yeah, but…Clooney…

Sandy: I only like scruff when I use your face to scratch an itch.

So I shaved this morning.  My attempt at growing some facial hair halted by my wife’s disdain for it.  If you’re wondering where my cojones are, check Sandy’s purse.

If you heard any of Spezzano and Sandy this morning, then you heard me take a verbal beat down at the hands of Sandy and pretty much every female listening.

I’M A GUY! Cut me a LITTLE slack. I always try to do the right thing. Sometimes things get misunderstood and all of a sudden I’m a bad husband because “I don’t listen”.

I will continue to hold ground when it comes to my opinions on this matter. They are:

1. Three Olives grape vodka and Sprite is a nasty flavor combination. I mean, grape…and Lymon??? Puke. Tonic is a far superior mixer and would’ve been enjoyed if given the chance.

2. If you’re sick and I bring medicine…TAKE IT! Yes, I heard you ask for a specific brand. Guess what? IT’S NOT WORKING! Try the stuff that might actually work for you before killing me for going out of my way to try and be a good guy.

Allow me to provide every now and then! I actually live for it!

Like most guys, I screw up. Like most guys, some things you say to me will go in one ear and out the other. You may need to nag. I may complain about said nagging. Can’t help it. You are a greater gender. I cannot compete.

There, I said it. I truly believe women, on the whole, are smarter than men.

I also believe dogs are smarter than women!

That’s just a joke…really, it is.

Love ya, girls!

Continuing from yesterday’s blog, I wanted to hear more stories about office sluts.  Male or female here, I certainly won’t discriminate based on gender.  Some questions to think about:

-Would you ever date the guy who is known as “the office slut”?

-Can you tell if someone is the office slut by the way they look or dress?

-Know anyone who tried to sleep with the boss in order to get ahead?

-Should I install a hidden camera in my office since it is apparently such a hotbed for sexual activities?

Maybe there’s money to be made online, yes?

Spezzano and Sandy touched on it this morning and I’m bringing it up because it’s part of my life…talking about Grand Theft Auto IV.  Now, I wasn’t waiting in line at midnight to buy the game like some people I know, but you’re damn right I am buying it tonight.  Am I a great role model or what?

Seriously, this is ADULT ENTERTAINMENT.  It’s no different than the other activities and entertainment we shield our kids from.  I promise you that this will stir up more controversy that any other form of entertainment has in a long time.  Remember 2 Live Crew?  That’s the kind of controversy I am anticipating.  Game changing controversy.  Let’s do our job as parents and keep our kids free of this.  If they do get their hands on it, have honest conversations about good and bad, fantasy and reality.

Or do what I am planning…institute early bedtime in your house for the next 3 months.