Fantasy football! I can’t wait! Fantastic. I eat it. I sleep it. I love it.

You know, what’s crazy is that I’ll only spend about 20-30 hours a week on my fantasy league team. Wait until I’m doing it full-time. I’d like to hear people then. I bet people won’t be yelling “Nice Life!” or “You’re a douche bag.” You know what I’d say to them? Scoreboard.

Word around the NFL horn is that I am in the running to replace Dick Jauron when he is fired in Buffalo. That’s right. Take a look at me now, Mrs. “You Smell Like Failure.” You know what, you do! Pretty soon I’ll be smelling like something else. Winner! You see all that Officially Licensed NFL merchandise? I’ll have a whole closet full. And the closet will be on my yacht. Booyah!

See, the difference between me and the average fantasy league coach is that those guys see Jeremy Shockey going into a bye week and worry that their only tight end is not playing. Not me. I stayed in this weekend, got myself a meatball sub and went to work, and you know what I came up with? Robert Royal, baby! Read that again. Robert Royal. Not impressed are we? So you’ve heard of Robert Royal, eh? Did you call him at home? Well, I did. I asked him how he felt. How things were going at home. What his favorite food was, everything. Let me tell you, he sounded pretty angry and threatened to kick my ass. Some people would be scared of that. But you know what, I didn’t see fear…I saw fire! Robert’s ready for Sunday and so am I.

Make fun of me all you want, jerks. You’ll be doing it from 2nd place.

I was watching the Yankees while running last night and didn’t recognize this man:

It’s Yankees slugger Jason Giambi.  Sporting a mustache.  Not sure why, but he just became more bad ass than ever.  Unless you’re a cop or state trooper, it’s nearly impossible to pull off the look.

Some people can…

Some people can’t…

Some should never try to grow one again…

No matter what, the ’stache deserves respect and should be feared at all times.

For months now, from time to time, we as a family, will huddle around a colorful animated board game you all know and love.

So, Candy Land has changed a ton through the years. Ok, no, it hasn’t. If you know basic colors, you can play. My daughter loves it, so we play often. Here’s my issue. I ALWAYS LOSE!

How can one man be so un-lucky? There is absolutely ZERO skill involved in playing this game, yet I always lose…by a lot.

That is, until last night.

I came into last nights match up with a career record of 1-47. But last night…Well, last night was magical.

Game 1:

My first card pulled was a single Orange. That gives me an early advantage as the first Orange in the game is “Rainbow Trail”. I never looked back. Each card raced me to the finish. Double purple, double red. Leah got “Lolly” to get a little sniff, but in the end I won by a large margin.

Game 2:

Maybe the quickest game of Candy Land on record. The first card I selected was “Princess Frostine, ” the best character card you can pick. I reached the Candy Castle a few swift moves later before either Leah or Sandy could even make it to “Gloppy”.

So, there you have it. Allow me to gloat today. Today I am not unlike the Spanish squad that just won Euro 2008 (Viva Espana!) by going undefeated.

Today, I am the supreme champion of Candy Land!

It’s the 5th of May.  And today I wanted to write about a guy who has no problem letting you know how much he loves today.

Corona pants guy.

I actually took this pic last week at a Red Wings game.  I imagine the inner dialogue pre-game went something like:

Well, I have my thick, gold chain, my insulated track jacket, and some scuffed up New Balance sneakers I mowed the lawn in last weekend. My hair is all greased back and I smell like Old Spice. This is going to be a great day of impressing the ladies for me! Oh wait… which pants should I try on?

Hmmmm. I have my normal khakis, acid washed jeans, or some Champion mesh shorts.

No. Not today. That just won’t do. I need something that will really make a statement. I want to elevate the limits of being awesome to the heights of unattainable hopelessness. I need to start my own fashion trend.

I could wear my high school varsity jacket from 8 years ago. That would reel in some babes. I had five touchdowns in a game once. Coach took me out on the four yard-line or I would have had six. The varsity jacket thing might really take off.

I better not. I wouldn’t want to get a ketchup stain on it.
Maybe I could wear my F.B.I. (Female Booty Inspector) shirt. I am unbelievably hilarious at all functions in which I wear it. People point and laugh all day.

These are all great ideas, but I just can’t put my finger on the greatest idea of all. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I just can’t figure it out. Which pants could I wear that would show the world that I am a total badass?

Wait. I have it. I can wear my Corona pants to the game!  Yeah, the same pants that I wear to bed and watch porn in would be perfect for chick-getting.  If my buddies were here, this would definitely call for a group high-five. My baggy, Corona pants look great with my insulated track jacket. My oversized, thick, gold chain sets the whole ensemble off.

Consider my baggy Corona pants as a warning that I am a deadly chick-magnet. They can appreciate a man at the ball park who wears pants sporting the logo of my favorite Cerveza Mas Fina.

On the rare occasion that girls are not hounding me like I am a God, I have found my baggy Corona pants great for drinking as well. I can usually attract a few lovely ladies by showing off my “chugging” skills.

Occasionally, I have been known to dump entire Corona bottles straight down my chest while exhibiting my incredible chugging powers. While wearing my baggy Corona pants, the waterfall of alcohol only cools off my boys. These pants hide stains better than Michael Jackson’s linen lady. I guess the best way to put it, is that I am completely an unstoppable force while wearing my baggy Corona pants to the game. There isn’t much in the universe that I can’t accomplish when I have them on.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, Corona pants guy.

I got a call from a listener on Monday who was livid.  She had seen the Kobe Bryant car jumping video and was upset that kids would imitate it and injure themselves in the process.

I understood her concern, but brushed it off because I had actually watched the video last weekend while I was surfing.  Oh, and my 3 year old watched it with me.  We had a laugh because we also watched the REAL Kobe Bryant car jumping video as well.

So am I a bad parent for exposing my daughter to this?

I remember being a kid and buying the Guns and Roses “Appetite for Destruction” tape.  I was so excited to be able to listen to “Welcome to the Jungle” over and over again.  Then my parents wanted to hear the tape as well.  If you know that album, then you know that it isn’t so squeaky clean.  After my parents heard the first few F-bombs, they told me I wasn’t allowed to listen to it anymore.

So what did I do?  I listened to it more than ever.

Isn’t that the way it is?

Is there a drawback to trying to shelter your kids?  What did your parents shelter you from when you were younger?  What are YOU banning your kids from?